A Very Safe Choose Your Own Adventure Story
HEY SPRINKLES! Happy Sunday (omg it’s actually Sunday well done me)! This is a little (very little) choose your own adventure story (taking the same vibe as the ones written by Andy Griffiths). Although you are just making hot chocolate. So not much of an adventure really. A very safe activity. Definitely.
I wrote this a while ago so this is mildly lazy of me but you wouldn’t know that if I hadn’t told you. So maybe I shouldn’t mention that. Hmm. Perhaps I’ll edit that out. Unless you’re reading this, in which case…I obviously didn’t edit it out.
Anyway.
Enjoy! Or don’t. It’s your choice; you decide.
***
The Chilly Day - A Choose Your Own Adventure Story
You wake up and it is freezing outside. The windows are frosted over and the ground is covered in white. Clearly this is an indoor day. Days like these need hot chocolate, you think. But first you need to turn on the thermostat. It is much too cold. You turn the heater on to 22ºC.
You wait some time but the house is still cold. It will take much longer to heat up at this rate!
If you:
2
You are patient and do not fiddle with the thermostat. Very good. Patience is a virtue. You decide to begin on the hot chocolate. You go to the fridge.
If:
3
You crank the heating up to 40ºC and turn on SuperHeatBoost. The house heats up at super speed to 40ºC. With winds making it feel cooler. But it isn’t cooler. It’s FORTY DEGREES. You become so hot that you self-combust.
You burn to death.
4
You open the milk and immediately a whiff of expired milk reaches your nostrils. Disgusting. You can’t drink this. You need new milk. You know that there is a farm nearby with cows. You go there.
You pick up a bottle of freshly pasteurised milk. Perfect. Exactly what you need. However, as you are leaving, you accidentally knock over one bottle of milk. All the bottles fall down like dominoes. All the milk is gone.
The resounding crackling of breaking glass alerts the farmer in a nearby paddock, who is working on his bonfire. He comes over and sees all his product unusable and you, holding the last remaining bottle, trying to leave without paying.
He is furious.
He puts YOU in his bonfire.
You burn to death.
5
You open the milk. It smells fresh. Just to double-check, you have a little taste. Yep, fresh.
But hang on.
You don’t drink dairy milk.
Then why is it in your fridge? You look around.
Hang on.
This isn’t your house.
How did you get here?
You call a taxi and go home. Back at your own house you turn the heating on and get on with it. You open your fridge and your normal oat milk is there. Very good.
You are wondering whether you should heat the milk up in the microwave or on the stove. The microwave would certainly be faster.
If you:
6
You put the amount of milk you want in a mug and put it in the microwave for one minute.
Unfortunately, you left a metal spoon in the mug. You idiot. Everyone knows not to put metal in the microwave. The spoon catches alight. Panicking, you open the microwave door and grab the mug. This is foolish. That mug IS ON FIRE. The fire spreads down the sleeve of your flammable top. You catch fire.
You burn to death.
7
You put some milk in a saucepan and turn the stove on. It isn’t heating up as fast as you would like due to the house being so cold. Why didn’t you turn the thermostat up?
If you:
8
You turn the stove up to as high as it can go. The milk rapidly heats up. Then boils. Then turns solid. Then turns black. Then self-combusts.
YOUR MILK IS ON FIRE.
You grab a tea towel to smother the shooting flames. ARE YOU AN IDIOT? The tea towel catches fire too! And YOU are holding it. You catch fire.
You go outside and roll in your emergency oil puddle. YOU ARE AN IDIOT. THAT JUST MAKES THE FIRE WORSE.
You burn to death.
9
You leave the milk and scroll on your phone while you wait for it to heat up. You see an article about someone who turned the stove up as high as it could go and then they burned to death. Good thing you didn’t do that. They rolled in their emergency oil puddle too. What a fool. You would never use your emergency oil puddle for that.
Finally, the milk heats up enough and you add in cocoa powder and sugar and a little bit of fresh chocolate because you are feeling fancy. You whisk it until all combined, then pour it into a mug.
Delicious.
If you:
10
You decide to make whipped cream to put on top of your hot chocolate. You pour cream into a mixing bowl then add sugar and vanilla and whisk with an electric mixer until fluffy. Unfortunately, the speed of the mixer against the metal bowl creates sparks and one lands on your very flammable cute green apron. Fortunately, you are smart and roll in the snow outside to put it out.
You come back inside, scrape the burnt bits off the cream, and then spoon it onto your hot chocolate. Then you think: perhaps it needs a topping.
If you:
11
You decide not to make or buy whipped cream to put on top of your hot chocolate. You just can’t wait to drink it!
However, this is a mistake.
Making or buying whipped cream would allow the drink to cool.
You take a sip and it is burning hot. So hot, in fact, that you spontaneously burst into flames.
You burn to death.
12
You decide to go out to the shops and buy some whipped cream. When you arrive though, you see there is a 75% off sale on whipped cream.
And there is only one canister left.
All the other shoppers see this too. Now everyone wants it.
War breaks out. Shelves are knocked over. People get into fist fights. Somehow fires start because they add to the ambience of destruction. You are knocked out of the way by a middle-aged balding man wearing nothing but a tutu and a tiara. You are flown into one of the atmosphere-defining fires.
You catch fire.
Your last thought is: I should have made whipped cream at home.
You burn to death.
13
You are wrong.
14
You begin to shave chocolate gratings onto your hot chocolate. However, you cut your finger on the grater. A person less smart than you might put a Band-Aid on it and continue. But you know better. Your finger might get infected. Or you might get blood on the whipped cream leading to disease.
You go to the hospital.
They recommend a Band-Aid. But you know better. You recommend brand new finger melding technology whereby intense heat is used to meld the skin back together. It has not been tested. The intense heat causes your finger to catch fire. Which spreads to the rest of your body.
You idiot. Why didn’t you use a Band-Aid?
You burn to death.
15
You get out your chocolate sprinkles and sprinkle them on the hot chocolate. It is perfect. You take a sip. Ahhh, beautiful.
You’ve finally done it! You made hot chocolate. Unbeknownst to you, you could have burned to death 7 different ways. But you didn’t. You were smart. Good job. Now you can enjoy your hot chocolate from the warmth of your now-heated-up house.
You go outside.
Wait, no, why would you do that.
You sit down in the snow.
What.
You sip your hot chocolate.
The snow is so cold that your backside begins to freeze.
You should go back inside.
You do not go back inside.
It is so cold your hot chocolate freezes.
You stay outside enjoying the cool air.
This is insanity.
You catch hypothermia.
You freeze to death.
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